The clean, bright, sanity of a large house-converted-backpacker’s-hostel in the suburbs of Johannesburg seemed a welcome change after months living on a Big 5 game reserve. I lusted the plentiful hot water, spaciousness, ability to walk to a store, and quiet night’s sleep. As it turned out, many other features accompanied these bounties, mostly less desirable traits such as extremely high crime and lack of personal safety.
The majority of houses in South Africa have nearly insurmountable large concrete fences around the property and bars on all windows. In my backpacker’s hostel I was installed in an empty 5-bed room in one corner of the house; on my last night I was the only person in the entire backpacker’s. With lots of time during the day, as well as some much-needed downtime, I discovered all of the (public) nooks and crannies of the house and the large backyard complete with sprawling bar. As I fell asleep each night, I replayed the house’s layout in my mind. Virtually, I walked through the corridors and surveyed each window and door. If there was a fire in the kitchen, where would I run? What if a fire was blazing the corridor to my room? This was the first location I had laid my head down after leaving C.A.R.E., and I hadn't realized all of the pain that followed me. My haunting thoughts took in the bars on all of the windows, I could not escape through them unless my body shrank to the size of a toy doll. How would I get to the front or back doors? Nightly I terrorized myself with burning house potentials as C.A.R.E. experiences continued to follow me. Finally by my last night in Joburg my mind reached a suitable, peaceful option of running through a potential inferno with all of the blankets on top of me for protection. My mind finally quieted for sleep.